You love this person, deeply, and it just kills you to see her so tired that she sleeps all weekend, seems sad and weepy all the time and drags herself off to work without the least smile. This person was bouncy, always smiling and energized by the thought of going to that job she loved only a few months ago. How can you help her? What can you do for her?
In a word – nothing! But you can do everything for her. Does this confuse you? Great! Confusion is on one side of the door that leads to enlightenment. Just stay tuned for some idea of what we mean.
What we are saying is actually pretty clear. Do not do anything FOR her. Do keep in your heart the intention of doing what you do for yourself to be for her benefit. In other words, take very good care of yourself – physically, mentally and spiritually – while gently being in her presence. Make sure that you eat well, exercise, expand your mind beyond the present moment and take time to commune with God/the Universe or just think some deep thoughts. And then you can do things with her.
Don’t tell her that she’s depressed. She doesn’t need your observation to confirm what she already knows. She may not use the word “depression” but she really knows that something is terribly wrong and dark in her life. She may not have defined it, but it’s there as that cloud that is not only over her head, but encompassing her and in which she walks/drags herself around. This is the opposite of Rose-Colored Glasses. This may be s**t-colored glasses that she is wearing now. But she didn’t choose this, so do not judge her at all.
What you will do is let her know that you are present for her. Don’t attempt to deliver this message in words. Words will not compute, and can even make the situation more dire. Let her know by your behavior that you care about her, respect her, want to nurture and nourish her, and that you love her.
You know her character and temperament. Is she a person to whom you can read a light and nominally cheerful story or book? Is she a person who responds to touch? This is an important time for hugs – gentle hugs and light caresses. Is she a person who throws nutrition to the wind when in a down state? You can prepare protein-rich, light foods to help her come back into the now. Does she respond to music? Or movies? Rent something funny and ridiculous, such as the Marx Brothers, and watch it with her. Is she a person who forgets self-nurturing? Draw her a fragrant bath, and sit beside her soaping and rinsing her, gently, gently. Is she a person who withdraws from social interaction? Call her friends and enlist their help, with telephone calls, texting, emailing and visits. Let them entice her into getting dressed and going out for an afternoon. Perhaps an evening out would be too much, but let her friends decide what will be best for her. They know her in a completely different way from you.
In other words, use action to say “love.” Let your every action let her know that you are with her through this. You might even call her doctor and make an appointment for her, if she would not think of it as an intrusion into her privacy. Go with her to the doctor. Go in with her and express your concerns about her to the doctor in front of her. If you speak of them to her, she will hear judgment and feel guilty. If you share them with the doctor – if she allows you to make this appointment for her – she will hear your concerns more as your love and caring than your criticism of her. If she can let your words into her consciousness this way, she may be able to ask the doctor for some help.
Just remember to let her make decisions. Maybe they are not the choices you would make, but if you are committed to this person with your love, then you must trust this person to return to you in her own way. The operative word here will always be “gentle.” Be gentle with her physically, mentally and spiritually. And remember to be gentle with yourself, too. You did not cause her situation and you cannot cure her situation, but you can be with her as it is resolved. This may cause your relationship to grow in ways you can’t imagine now. Just love her.